There are so many things I want to tell you. So many. But I can’t. For so many reasons. Cryptic eh? Not meant to be. Just the way things are at the moment. Maybe you can listen to me for a while whilst I skirt around the subject.
I haven’t posted recipes for some time. I used to post a new recipe weekly and swore I would never become one of those recipe bloggers whose little corner of the internet remained unloved and stagnant. And yet, and yet… here we are.
I still cook. I still make nourishing food for my children. But those recipes are already on here. They are familiar recipes that my kids adore; homemade fishfingers, chicken nuggets, pizza, bolognese, meatballs, pasta with hidden vegetables for my still not that into veg 4 year old, oh and of course pancakes because they all love a pancake. I continue to make these recipes for the boys because they are familiar at a time when their lives are upside down. For those who don’t know; I separated and divorced last year. And I am in a new relationship. And their little worlds are not as they were. It’s not an easy path, never let anyone tell you otherwise.
So I continue to cook for them and nag them about fruit and vegetables and teeth cleaning and bedtimes and screen time, because that is what I have always done and so it is what I will do through thick and thin. Some things must remain the same. But cooking for myself, cooking for pleasure, well, it’s kind of left the building. I still do occasionally cook for myself (and my boyfriend) and I cook for food styling work (the photo above was from a styling workshop I helped teach with Scott Choucino – the photo is obviously by him). But for me? To create a pleasurable experience? Nope. I just don’t feel it at the moment and I have never been one for pretending. An inauthentic life is not a life I enjoy.
So where does Mrs Bell’s Brownies fit into this? Oddly I enjoy baking for others still. It gives me pleasure. And I adore the little messages and notes and emails from those who have purchased (or luckier, those who have simply received) saying how much they enjoyed the brownies. It gives me life. So thanks to all of you who have taken the time to feedback. It means a lot.
What have I been eating then? (I find those ‘day in the life’ pieces in magazines about people’s eating habits fascinating so forgive me this indulgence). Very little is the main headline. Diet Coke has featured heavily. Cheese, cut into little squares by my boyfriend and presented like flower petals on a plate. Chicken sometimes. Ham sometimes. I haven’t eaten out for some time. I don’t really see the point to be honest as it feels a waste. Oh I have also eaten some chocolate sent by a friend. And grapes too. Yesterday a sandwich. And the odd Turkish BBQ chicken skewer delivered to the house. I know this doesn’t all sound terribly delicious but as I said, I want to tell the truth. Hula Hoops too. The salt and vinegar ones that take the roof of your mouth. And tea. And coffee to keep me awake because I don’t sleep so well these days. And almost zero alcohol. I have drank maybe 3 drinks in the last few weeks, and they didn’t sit well. So that’s gone for now. I guess this is practising self care? Is it? Yes I think it is.
And so there you have it. The recipe blogger/writer/whatever you want to call me, who lost her appetite. What a nightmare! Can you imagine? I want to try and get back into it. I have some old recipes to pop on the blog that I have been meaning to put up for a while.
Thanks for listening and apologies for the interruption to recipe service.
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Holly Bell 